Ever since I was young, I have known the troubles of being both anxious and ambitious. As a shy girl, I could feel a powerful energy moving around inside me and I wanted to show the world but it was just so hard to do it.
You gon have to learn how to speak up, girl.
This line is one I used to hear repetitively as I was growing up and is still painful to hear. No matter how much I feel like I have grown, I am still made aware of how I need to be something else and how my voice (which is genuinely and intimately soft) is not loud enough for people to hear it.
It ain’t my fault you can’t hear me. Maybe you should learn to listen better…
is what I would really like to say.
Throughout the years, I have learned the necessity in pushing myself off ledges and learning how to fly with my big beautiful wings of passion and curiousity. I let my spirit lead the way. My anxiousness to be expressive has pushed me to do so many new things and I am so grateful for it. I would take over the world if I could do it. It really was on my life to-do list. :)
But here I am at 25 and I am still pushing myself to do things. It’s different now though. I have felt the burst of wind when I decide to do something. It’s so exciting, truly. I am confident in myself. I know I can do anything and my potential is limitless. But my anxiousness has increased over the years as it seems the consequences of my decisions have increased as well as my responsibilities. All this time my anxiety has pushed me to accomplish all the things that I’ve been able to do. I’ve allowed it to take control in that sort of way, but now I honestly just want to rest. Sis is tired. lol
How do I be ambitious, do the things I desire and not be anxious about the way I spend my time or every decision I make and whether it aligns with this, that, and the other? I am a planner, no doubt, who also hates planning things! It is truly ridiculous.
I see articles about how to deal with anxiety as a business owner. I watch panel discussions about how to navigate the tech world as a Black woman. I read the books too.
That’s what they say. Give yourself some grace. Well, I am here for the affirmations and I am doing my very best, but you know I’m still just thinking about it a lot. Lol. Seriously my anxiety has affected my writing and it has affected some of my goal setting as my goals seem to continue to get larger. I wonder if I can do them or if once I apply, I’ll self sabotage myself into failing. Oh, the things that go through my mind. I push through anyway cause that’s what I’ve learned to do.
I suppose I’ve been wanting to write something for a while and I hadn’t been able to come up with what I would write so here is something. My birthday was last week and time is flying by so quickly. I’m not sure how I feel about growing older. I think it’s really strange actually. I think about my future quite a lot, but I think I forget that I’m actually moving closer to it. These are just some of my random thoughts. I am just practicing being vulnerable for a minute.
Really, all I’m saying is I got dreams of moving and dreams of being still and they both sound good to me.